ce soir j'ai mes devoirs à faire, vous savez la routine

I wrote the following on the back of a take-out menu at work a couple weeks ago.

I live in a city now. Growing up in Mississippi I used to lay awake at night and listen to the absence of humanity; I would instead hear the ever-present crickets and the swishing and swaying of ancient tree branches. Sometimes a dog would bark out his frustrations into the open night and rip up the silence. Once there was a whipporwhill outside my window.

Next I lived in the squished suburbs of Texas, which held a constant stream of car doors slamming and smart business suits clattering up to their front doors. I used to lay awake in the early mornings as the chain of cars started up and began the backing-out-of-the-driveway-ballet.

Then I was in a dorm way the hell on the other side of the Mason-Dixon line. I heard routine mowers and I heard the distant dull echo of empty voices on television, and always, always, ripples of laughter in the hallways, part of an ongoing joke I was never in on.

Now I live in the city. There is no single discernible sound, just multitudes of overlapping voices, alongside the constant rumble of motors and horns, growls of trucks, the sirens screaming injustice against the night, bicycle bells trilling for attention, and sometimes a dog barking, but here he's speaking out of turn. I'm a part of something much larger now, some grand wheel in motion I have no control over. I am a part and I am apart.

long time no see

I am revving my engine. It's hard for me to write papers, especially when I live in this busy city and there are so many things to distract myself with and so many little details in my home of which I obsess over...and the rain is raining and the couch is calling and I just want to zone out in front of an old black and white movie.

I have to write a paper for my philosophy class which kind of makes me want to pull my hair out. One by one. Isn't that a disease? Anyway.

My nails have gotten too long. It's becoming difficult to type. You can always tell when the school year picks up because I'll chew my nails all off in order to type faster.

My philosophy paper is on love. More specifically, Plato's Symposium. I'm listening to sad love songs and putting my ear to the ground to try and figure something out. I chose to write about the discourse of Aristophones, which essentially states that the reason we seek out love is because we were once great big beings mushed together into one and then ripped apart when we got too strong and Zeus felt threatened.

Like this:



I loved that movie when I saw it in high school. I should rewatch it.

We are too nubile to take on this assignment. We don't really know love yet. Most of us are unbruised still.

My original thesis was going to be something about the "physical implications" that Aristophanes has "enumerated" within his discourse so as to illustrate the "tangible manifestations" or our "perpetual search for love." I think I'm going to change my thesis statement to "WHY?" instead.

Ennui

I need a back rub real bad. I've been working ALL DAY EVERYDAY, you know, like a real grown up.

I'm like a real person now. I commute to work, I eat with real silverware (alone), take care of a pet, update excel sheets, spend exorbitant amounts of time in front of some type of electronic screen and therefore have entered the suburban despair of adults that is in stark contrast to my evident youth. Ugh.

I'm so bored, y'all.

It kind of dawned on me last night as I was sitting on the floor, folding clothes that I need to mend. The t.v. was blaring nonsense and I had done nothing with my afternoon/evening.

I am bored. Like, identity-crisis bored. Like....chop-al-my-hair-off or call-ex-boyfriends-I-haven't spoken-to-in-years-bored.

I love summer. Don't get me wrong. I just have been spending too much time alone.

I can't wait for Sanders to move innnnn.

Time's up. Going home.

I am cranky. I am cranky because I am hungry. And cold. This here facility I'm workin' in keeps the temperature to a bare minimum and my digits are going numb. 

I had a pretty smooth transition into summer. There were about two weeks of event after event, peppered with deadlines and last minute study sessions, and then...radial silence. Static. Summer. 

I went to graduation to see Sandy walk and cried. Sandykins looked right at us, way the hell back in the bleachers, from down on the football field, shrugged, held out her hands, and said

 "It's done." into the camera her brother was holding. We rewound it and watched a  few times.

Last night I wandered into the film boys' new house and got the grand tour. They're taking house name suggestions. This is a trend I like. People name their houses here instead of saying "Colin's house" or some such. I live in the "Jerusalem House." Some of our friends lived in "Robot House." 

The front runners for their new house name are Doctor House (ha!), Monster House, the White House, and my personal favorite, The Barn. 

Here's what I've been up to:

This is Kyle and me on the bus on our way to Comm Prom! (School of Communication Prom)

Here's us cuttin' a rug at Comm Prom.

This is at the HFC Film Festival.

This is the Max Kolb Telethon. I was a "background actress."

This is Sandy, Cj, and me at graduation last Sunday. 

Here's me 'n Dave at the HFC Barbeque. 

Here's another picture of all of us at the barbeque. I'm in the HFC hoodie!

goodness

Ah, so I think my synapses are re-mapping. I can feel minute crashes like fireworks going off in my head and all my thoughts are realigning and readjusting.

I think...the more I get used to this place, the more I'm ready to leave. Does this mean I don't like settling down?

We shot the director's intro's for the festival last night- I got to be in both Matt's and Colin's, which was fun. I made cameos in their videos.

Oh, the new hfc website is up now: www.hfcfilms.com. Soon all of the films will be up there!
I made a mosaic using this website. The questions I was answering were these:

1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. What is your favorite song?
11. Where were you born?
12. What is a hobby of yours?
13. Where do you go to school?
14. How are you feeling right now?
15. What do you love most in the world?
16. What do you want to be when you grow up?

I thought it was fun.

Oh, the places we'll go

Spring is here. I can smell the mulberries already. Mmmm.

Here's a picture of Sandy and me, actin' cute as shit in my room.

More later, I swear!

Been awhile.

Movies, boyfriend, Binghamton, Hofstra, film, graduate school, summer school, classes, tests, papers, films, etc.

That about covers it.

Spring break kind of whet my appetite for summer. Classes started again today and I am dragging my feet.

I need a few mores spring breaks before I feel like handling classes again.